I spent many times writing and then deleting what I have written over and over again. I find writing about this extremely hard – but I want to do it because I want people to know what it feels like to be depressed like me. I feel like people close to me do not get it. AT ALL. They do not understand what I go through. They want to help my trying to “fix” the problem.
Yes, I have tried getting help – my GP is possibly the best person I have talked about my depression to (better than several psychologists I have visited in my life). Yes, in the bigger picture my problems do not seem so bad – but when I’m in that state of mind, I cannot see the bigger picture. I just want the pain to end. That is all. Yes, I tried taking anti-depressants and they are awesome when I take them regularly but miss one and I break apart straightaway. I also hate the idea of being reliant on drugs for the rest of my life. I want to get better.
Before I go any further, I just want to share what it feels like being depressed. At least for me since everyone feels depression differently. My depression is triggered by events that makes me feel utterly useless and/or disliked. This could be the sense of failure from not accomplishing a goal or it could be people saying mean things behind your back. Once that hits all the past experiences that have made me feel useless rushes in and I am swimming in them. All I want is to switch it off. I feel powerless, alone and the hatred I feel towards myself is intense. This hatred is intensified by my awareness of not being able to stop myself feeling this way – it is a downwards spiral. I feel so much pain to the point everything goes blank and my senses become numb.
All you can think of are ways to turn your brain off. Death seem like a way out of this. Life is meaningless. Why bother? No one cares about you anyway (and if they do, it is only temporary). You are useless to the society so why keep living, wasting precious resources?
Somehow, I am still alive. I actually cannot remember how I got out of these situations, but I remember talking to someone on lifeline helped in one of these occasions. A complete stranger. Funnily enough, talking to people whom you thought were close to me did not help one jot. They would:
- tell me how stupid/silly I am being
- not believe I would actually harm myself
- come up with “solutions” to my problems – which involves usually “fixing” my actions (since you cannot fix others’ actions).
The problem with the above responses is that while they are all well-intended, they make one feel worse about themselves. All of these responses consider me as the core of the problem. Maybe it is, but it is definitely not something I want to hear that moment when I hate myself already. I am my own enemy. Please don’t make it worse.
If you happen to be the one talking to someone depressed, please say things that make them feel valued. Give them the reason to think, “…maybe life is not that bad…” or “…maybe I am worth it…” I know this is hard, but they came to you because they trust you. Please be patient and listen to their troubles as if you care. At that moment when they are seeking for help, they are desperate.